Boyz to Men

Come on, admit it, you LOVE this band.....I mean, everyone does, right? It is a totally intriguing name when it comes to R & B jams and a bunch of men in matching clothes from the 90's, but in life, there is a bit more to it than that.

So, when do boys turn IN to men?

I have been wondering this for some time. When is that wonderful age when they stop shotgunning beer and farting the alphabet? It turns out that there is really no one time, it is instead different for each kind of guy. My roomate, H, sums it up as more of a phase-thing. For example, a guy (I use this non-descript word for a male specimen with undocumented boy or man status) can either be in his 'single college' phase or he could have transitioned into the 'serious relationship' phase. You have to be on the look out for this, almost as much as someone in Texas looks out for rain on the forecast as they approach a record-breaking streak of drought. You can pick up on these phases with the following signs:

A guy is in the single-college phase if:
-He wears a backward hat
-Lives with 4 or more people
-Uses words like 'bro' or 'stellar'
-Nods his head at people, as though to acknowledge them without words
-Wants to get tattoos that involve some kind of snake/dragon (this is always a red flag)
-He plays video games three or more times a week
-Pizza is a food group
-He slaps your back when you hug him
-He drools and tries to lodge his tongue down your throat as though it is a medical examination
-He continues working non-stop part-time gigs and loses his wallet on numerous dating excursions
-He refers to your job as being 'real' and you are really 'grown-up'
-He calls you seven times between 2:32 a.m. and 4:29 a.m.
-He grabs your ass when cuddling (if cuddling happens at all) and/or doesn't look you in the eye while hooking up
-He calls you 'sexy lips' or 'my lady'
-His friends have lime on their breath from doing body shots of of sorority girls the night before
-He owns a dog and lets it drink from the beer bong

A guy is in the serious-relationship phase if:
-He buys his own home
-He has decorations in his living space/bedroom
-Owns a button-down shirt and wears it regularly
-Prefers a beer over 'shot shot, shot shot shot' (please think of the song when reading sequential shot writings)
-Enjoys things like salmon or any other kind of fish
-He enjoys watching sunsets
-Owns a pair of genuinely nice leather shoes
-He holds you tight when you hug him
-He gently kisses your neck, eyes, cheeks.......sigh
-He has a career-oriented job that makes him fulfilled enough not to want to fly to San Fran to jump off the Golden Gate with animated hand gestures
-He calls you at 9:00 p.m. to tell you, once again, what a wonderful time he had at dinner with you
-He plays with your hair and moves his arm up in anticipation of you wanting to 'lie in the nook'
-He calls you 'baby' and 'honey' (we hope nothing sicker starts, like 'shnookums')
-His friends like to play pool and have a beer on the weekends
-He owns a dog and takes it to the dog park

These are just some general tips to look out for that I have found. It is amazing how guys, when they allow themselves to transition into the serious phase, change their actions. Suddenly, women are less disposable plastic objects and become these lifelike whimsical creatures that they want to hold onto.

My other roomate, N, has been having some problems in the guy world, just like me. I mean, let's face it, it's tough out there. Between online dating, meeting guys downtown at bars and the occasional set-up, it feels as though there aren't any good men left on the planet (and of course all the ones you fall in love with instantly are married). I went on a lot weird, awkward dates last year, and the only one that sort of worked out only lasted three months. I often wonder, are these three-month relationships really good or did they just destroy me a little bit more? I don't know....I guess as long as I don't start hissing at all men then I'm not too bitter, right? I think we all just want to be JILTED by a great love. Is that so much to ask for? I mean, why does Mandy Moore always get the happy ending?

I think both of us, N and I, thought that as we got older guys would finally mature and enter into the next phase. It seems that this isn't always the case. Sometimes they are 25 when they transition (like H's boyfriend), but other times they are 32 and they only transition after all their friends get married and they realize they have the maximum subscription to Netflix. It just takes time and faith to meet the right guy. I think it is also important to not have a set-in-stone list of the guy you want to be with. For example, the last guy I dated hit almost all of my wishlist, such as: drove a truck, had his own place, was a country boy, owned dogs, was incredibly smart, was quiet/tortured, was a great snuggler.......and so forth (weep, sniffle) with some added bonuses of: opened my door, was a great kisser, loved driving me around everywhere, was happy to hang out in groups with my friends. But, he was SO not right for me, and I think I should STOP pretending I know what's perfect for me. After all, it has taken me 25 years just to find out what clothes are the right fit on me, so why should I be so presumptuous as to think I know what man will contour to me?

So keep up the good fight ladies (and you guys, too), because I think the relationship gods have a cruel sense of humor but are saps at heart. There IS someone for all of us out there, just don't be upset if he isn't over 6 feet like you'd envisioned......