As the New Year begins, I find myself making my inevitable list of everything I wish to conquer, achieve, and encounter in 2012. But, before I let my pen touch paper with this activity, I look back at the year I have already had, the one that has brought so much to who I am and what I have here, in Austin. I will share some of the things, to you, in an attempt to encourage you to reflect as well on things gone by.
Things Gone By: 2011
1. I acquired my dream job: teaching middle school reading at KLMS
2. I finally began to make enough money to relax and at times, indulge
3. I went on a journey with my parents to Canada, Oregon and Washington
4. I spent a month in my dear Chico, in some of the most beautiful summer weather I have yet seen
5. I went on a trip with Heather to San Francisco, Santa Cruz and the Redwoods
6. I lost someone but gained others, and healed almost in full
7. I greeted a nephew, Weston, and held him in my arms when he was less than a week old, and had the most perfect shade of pink on his skin
8. I grew professionally and now have a confidence that I did not know I craved nor possessed
9. I wrote....and wrote some more......and have not lost my urge to FINISH my book
10. I kept all my family and friends safe within my sacred world, all while welcoming new ones, ones that will illuminate me more magnificently than ever before
11. And finally, a very small one, I purchased a banjo and started playing (though awfully) for no one in the world but myself
As I write this list, it is both calming to see what I have done, and thrilling to think of the list that will be written a year from now. Each year is so palpable with possibilities that it brings one into a near seizure with giddiness at what is possible for one that is 25, in possession of great family, friends and career, and so blessed. It seems unfair, in a myriad of ways, that I should get this time for myself and for exploration. That I live in country, where I can dream and be whatever pattern I choose to lay down. I read my students an article that discussed the Time Magazine "Person of the Year" for 2011, which was "The Protester" and found myself yet again preaching the blessing of living in a free country. I want them to see the world and its beauty, as well as its numerous flaws and inequalities. I want them to open their eyes, the way mine were thrown open, and I feel that in a way I am indebted to lady luck, and to appease her I must expose cruel truths to my students. Don't get me wrong, they love learning about such things, and though I feel at times guilty for pressing my strong feminist agenda, they have learned about real social and political issues in a way I know aren't taught by many. But how can I not? How can I not think of those who are not as sublimely lucky as myself? I am so privileged....but you know what, let's shelf that thinking for now because that is a much longer, more self-loathing post for another time.
I know that 2012 will surely have one thing in it, one thing that follows behind me like an elaborate, beckoning shadow; I know that I will long for the leaving. The leaving, what a statement? But it's true. I have a severe case of wanderlust, that I can not shake, no matter how violent my attempts are. I am always curious about the outside, of this safe little world, this local kind of city. I still want to live in Rio, Cairo, Vientiane, Istanbul and Antigua. No matter how much I love a place or a person there is a part of me not living inside, but that wants to trace the outline of a larger landscape that I can roam free upon. I will never stop loving the mystery of Ireland, the movement of tongues and language and castles in Prague, and the relentless battle of the old ways of the Andean Peru. It doesn't help to be around the whimsical minds of H and the delightful new arrival of R, from San Francisco. But I will try and lay these dreams of wandering aside for a while, and allow myself to be wrapped in the smushy embrace of middle school teaching. For most days, my longing is stretched only as far as wanting my students to find happiness, safety and greatness. But sometimes, I turn my spindle further, and my long line of velvet ribbon may weave over an ocean, and then I suppose I may have to leave again.
Until then, here is my list of 'goals' for 2012, none of which will burden you with 'weight loss' goals or sentiments and longing for great love, since those are both redundant and implied.
List of Longing and Attainment for 2012:
1. Finish the school year beautifully and with resounding accomplishment (and with a contract for the following year)
2. Join more Austin Sport and Social groups-such as kickball
3. Go to more poetry readings (and do some readings) and live music in Austin
4. FINISH MY BOOK!
5. Cook more healthy, locally grown meals
6. Maintain and create new friendships that nourish and don't deplete
7. Start a book club (I am already in the process of this)
8. Run 2 races (first one is scheduled in February)
9. Learn to play the banjo semi-well
10. Go to Central America for three weeks and experience absolutely everything I can (this is also planned, loosely, for July)
11. Move into a studio apartment and enjoy the sanctuary and silence of living alone
12. Buy a pet?
13. Volunteer more (get involved with Austin Literacy Center, perhaps)
14. Watch LESS television
15. Read 50 books
16. Wear my hair curly more (I have not started the year off well on this count)
17. Don't let myself judge others prematurely (especially guys, whom I can be either extremely hard on or extremely lenient with)
18. Watch four of my dearest friends in the world get married (2 weddings)
19. Write to my grandmother more often
20. Take time to drink tea and appreciate all that is lovely about myself, my life and my home
Alright, I think this post has enough meat in it, though in a different format than others, and it is now time for me to eat this hummus, feta and olive sandwich and talk with R about whatever comes into our whimsical little heads.
So I implore YOU to go forth and ask, 'What have I done?' and 'What can I make be done in this year before me?'
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