As much as I've always tried to picture it, it's still kind of wild to think that I am getting married in 3 1/2 months. I should be better at picturing it. I mean, I've binge-watched "Say Yes the the Dress" and seen "Married at First Sight" which naturally are the major stepping stones for marital bliss. And yet, as it gets closer upon us, it feels more and more surreal that I could get to be there, with A, under a whimsical arch, with every person in the world that we cherish right there with us. That this magical barn will light up for us beneath a smeared pink and yellow sky, and we will have to -gasp- dance in front of hundreds of people. It all seems like something six-year old Kristen read about it in one of her books, with unruly ringlets behind my back, thinking about wearing the softest, most beautiful white dress. It doesn't quite match up to the Kristen I am now, who is messy, drinks too much coffee and has dog hair in crevices of her old couch that should never be explored. There are a lot of things I thought would be different. Things you can't really be prepared for until it is happening. Here are some of the things that have surprised me:
1) The Photos
Now, let me first admit that it is cool having 94 photos of you in fancy clothing with a guy like A, who makes you look small and is so charming with his ginger beard. That being said, the number of times I had to grab A's face/chin during photos, and him mine, was downright foreign. We stared into each others' eyes so much, I practically smacked his forehead by the end out of sheer dizziness from his green irises. We also did a lot of cheesy stances we never would do in real life, and I actually wore a little make-up, so we were definitely playing "dress-up". It basically was like taking prom photos, except for these were artsy versions where you pretend there is a bird in the background you're staring at. Really, we were sweating profusely in the heat of an Austin October and I wanted to ask A if he brought scissors so I could cut my pants off of me and let my legs just breathe.
When we got the photos though, it was amazingly awesome. WAY more exciting than I had expected. We had beautiful light silhouetting us, tons of options for me to pick which picture I looked skinniest in, and only about half the photos had one or both of us making special faces. It was for sure a "win" in the wedding list column for photos. Now, what in the world we DO with these photos, that I don't know. At least later on we can look at them in a photo book or something and think, wow, we wore a lot of flannel......
2) The Budget
Let me just say, the wedding world is an INDUSTRY. I still can't believe people have the audacity to charge so much for things. Florists charging $100/foot for a decorated arch! It is unreal. This is especially wild when your entire adult life you have had scant more than that in your savings at any given time. Something that helped was A's friend's comment, while on speakerphone. He said, "People want to come celebrate you, and it is selfish not to give them a party and meal to honor you." It reminded us that, though having a wedding is exorbitant, and we could educate a lot of poor children for the amount of it (something that is my go-to conversion for guilt), we can keep it simple while still accepting that we have to feed over two hundred people, and I can wear a pretty dress, and we can have delicious craft beer without being the most selfish people in the entire world. It has also been fun to think of ways to dodge a lot of money traps, like flowers. We are going to order through Trader Joe's and keep it very simple with their mixed bouquets. Luckily, having your wedding in a barn pretty makes anything fancy seem ridiculous, so it's much easier to not get pulled into having fancy table cloths or real china on the tables. Plastic is so hip, right? We will just compost the rest of our life to make-up for the landfill residue....
3) The Decisions
My kind of decision is what to watch on my Roku on a weeknight, while eating dinner in bed snuggled comfortably in my ginormous sweatpants. Really painting a picture for you, huh? Literally the only TV shows I regularly watch are The Office and Gilmore Girls....just those....over and over....since 2001. So, decisions might not be my thing. I especially struggle with disappointing people. I want these decisions to make everyone happy, and I have had to learn to accept that they just can't. People are going to disagree with how A and I want to do things, and what our values are, but we have to just smile, accept their criticism, and hold firm to what we believe is right for us.
A has actually been great at helping me make decisions. When I got caught up in a Hobby Lobby frenzy and panicked about wanting to buy miniature cowbells as "gifts" for the guests, he gently guided me off the trinket ledge and encouraged me to stop. I have had to decide on colors, vacations, decorations, themes, and had to consider things I never have thought about before....like what kind of bride am I? (I still don't know the answer to this one.) How will I have cupcakes while still shoving cake into A's face? Do we allow children at the wedding, or not? It can be exhausting.....but then again, I guess these problems are about as annoying as when a skinny person says it's hard having a metabolism that's so fast she has to eat every two hours or she'll faint.....So I just smile, make the decision, and remember how adorable A will look in his old-fashioned suit, watching me come out of barn doors....That is at least the one decision I know I will want to make over and over-saying yes to that man and walking toward him on our wedding day as one, and walking back as two.
4) The Partnership
I feel like A and I are in business together. We write up contracts, send emails constantly about dates, times, numbers, and we write checks so much I literally had to order more. I sometimes feel like after this, we should have some kind of brochure or something that advertises and showcases the empire we've erected. Each day we go through this process, I am so, so grateful for his partnership. He has done almost all the contacting, contracts and finalizing of all the big things, while I putter away on my Pinterest board and develop insidious late-night Etsy habits buying monogrammed wooden signs. I have seen many people go through this process of wedding planning, and I'm so grateful that I have a true partner to do this with, who equally dreams about our wedding day, wants to document it, enjoy it, and cherish it. Even if the desire is not equal, he graciously pretends it is, which is basically the same thing. One afternoon, while sorting through addresses and Etsy boxes (which now have become ominous entities squished into my hallway closet) A told me, "I don't know how some women do this alone. It is so sad that men don't care about this stuff, or how important of a day it is."
If possible, I loved him more in that moment than even before.
5) The Perfection of it All
This may have been the craziest three months of my life, but I have fallen more in love with A than I ever could have imagined, and I have felt so blessed to have all the people we love in the world celebrate and encourage our union. It is truly a humbling time, while also being invigorating. And even though A was told he wouldn't have time to eat the BBQ sliders at our wedding (and his mild breakdown afterward), I will find a way to slip him a plate, for all the times he has slipped strength and comfort to me over these past months of crazyiness.
Sometimes we catch ourselves fast forwarding, as all humans do, to the future. A will stare longingly at houses online and moan. We want so badly to be settled and to spend Saturdays fixing up our home. We want to fast forward to the week of our wedding, surrounded by family and friends. We want to fast forward to living together and sharing in that unique level of trust and comfort that comes with that.
But, we have only a few more months to enjoy the 'right now'. The last days I will, God willing, ever live without A, and be able to come home, talk to no one, and have delicious evenings where I am curled up with Amelia, eating in bed, listening to her weird dog snores in the quiet peace of my own room.
As I think about all that is yet to come, while the rain finally falls from the sky outside and I sip my peppermint tea, I realize that I do want to stay here, in this moment, for a while longer and stare out at the great expanse of joy sprawled out before me these next months. For this is a beautiful, incandescent space to be in. In fact, it is quite what I have waited for all my life.
I will leave you with this quote:
"Appreciate life as it happens. Moments will soon pass and you will wish you had treasured them more."
WONDERFUL!!!!!
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